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I Buy A Pregnancy Test

September 20, 2010

Do I think I’m pregnant?  No.  Are we trying to get pregnant?  No.  Am I hoping for some divine miracle?  No, no, and no.  The sad and disappointing answer to much of my readership would be that I bought a pregnancy test out of pure, mischievous curiosity.  I wanted to know what all the fuss was about.  I wanted to go through this rite of passage as a married woman.  Buying a test.  Peeing on a stick.  Waiting two minutes to see faint colored symbols show up.  Bleaching my entire bathroom counter after letting this blessed little teller of fate rest on its white tiles.  I wanted to be brave enough to march up to that check out aisle in the grocery store and purchase my test because, darn it, I can!

So I went to the grocery store.  Little did I know that they keep pregnancy tests in the same plastic safety boxes that one might find iPods and cell phones.  Peculiar, I thought, very peculiar.  Is this some sort of new population control?  Put pregnancy tests under high grocery store security and maybe women won’t need them so much?  I grabbed my choice (a pretty pink box with an extra stick in it – insert dollar saving pride here), and walked up to the counter.

Just my luck that a grocery store boy who appeared to be 12 was running the register.  His name was Danny.  He had braces with yellow plaque built up around the brackets.  He smiled at me when I gave him my pregnancy test.  “They have those things under high security,” I joked, “who would try to steal a pregnancy test?”

“The crack heads who come in here,” he told me.

“Crack heads steal pregnancy tests?  They must be women crack heads, then.”  I attempted to match his pre-pubescent humor.

“No.  They’re guys.  And they steal.  Everything.”  He held up my pink box protected by a shield of plexiglas, and shook it.  Okay, Danny, relax.  Point taken.  I paid and walked out of the store.

Now I have to admit that I was under the impression completing a pregnancy test would be a simple feat.  You pull off the cap, do your business on the stick, and wait for it to tell you whether or not your life will be changed forever.  I would like to take this moment to clear up that misconception.  Taking a pregnancy test is quite difficult.  There are a few reasons:

Reason #1 – women are not men.  Women do not have the same abilities to aim as men do.  We have many other superior talents, but aim while going to the bathroom is not one of them.  I will leave it to your imagination to figure out how well this turned out for me.

Reason #2 – pregnancy tests are difficult to hide.  There are several layers of wrapping, all with bright pink letters announcing to the world what is inside the package.  When one is strictly taking a pregnancy test for fun, and does not want one’s husband to panic and divorce her, this process can be quite tricky.  However, when one decides to write about the experience in a blog, hiding the pregnancy test becomes a moot point.

Reason #3 – math was never my strong suit.  I am a person who understands letters, words, sentences.  I do not understand mathematical symbols.  Does a + and a – mean you are pregnant, or is it two +’s?  Or should it be a – and a +, or two -‘s?  Can that double negative equal a positive?  Am I suppose to add the symbols together to calculate my fertility?  Obviously the next time, I will purchase a digital reader.

My experience with the pregnancy test ended as I expected; I was able to decipher that I was not pregnant.  I do not plan on purchasing another pregnancy test for several more years (when I am actually ready for one), but I can say that I am glad I now know what to expect from this skinny, white oracle of fate.  It holds a strange power, but it is no match for the women who fearlessly conquer it.

5 Comments leave one →
  1. Jess permalink
    September 21, 2010 12:49 am

    Oh my stars Lauren, this made me laugh out loud so much that my roommate came out of her room to see what was going on. And then I read it to her and we both laughed. You.are.hilarious.

  2. September 21, 2010 3:54 pm

    It’s fun to think how different this blog might be if you found out you were pregnant! 😉

  3. Courtney permalink
    September 21, 2010 5:42 pm

    of course you did. oh lauren. at times like this I really wish we still lived together…

  4. kate permalink
    September 23, 2010 10:22 am

    you are out of control! love it!

  5. amber permalink
    October 2, 2010 10:41 pm

    hahahah this is awesome. just earlier, i saw a prego test commercial and i was like hmmmm how do those things actually work? really funny i happened to read this about an hour later.

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