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What I Don’t Know

August 5, 2011

I’m blogging with The Gypsy Mama today for another fabulous 5 Minute Friday!  What’s our goal on these Fridays, you ask?  To just write – for 5 straight minutes – without editing, stopping, or revising our work.  Sound a bit scary?  Perhaps.  Is it all the more freeing?  Absolutely.  Come on over and join us, won’t you?

Our prompt this week: whole

Go.

I hear this word whole like it’s an attainable feeling.  Like it’s an attainable part of my life that I should be striving for.  And as I sit here this morning, coffee cup in hand, graduate school papers and research spread out in front of me, running shoes waiting for my attention in the corner of the kitchen – I wonder if being whole is what we really want after all?  Because once I am full, once I have everything that completes me, once I am put together and abundant and overflowing in every moment – does that mean I stop striving forward?  Does that mean the process of becoming what I want to become is over?  Do I want whole?

I don’t know that it’s possible.  I don’t know that, in this life, we ever sit fully fully complete.  Everywhere I go, every person I encounter – every conversation, snapshot, piece of laughter, tear shed – I leave traces of myself behind.  A little chip of myself snaps off and falls to the ground I walked, falls into the hand of the friend I have shared with, lays itself in the Communion Cup I have just sipped from.

I look around at my past and see a scattered trail of myself, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I sit here, on this beautiful Friday, joyful that I have left parts of my whole with others, with places, with experiences.  I don’t know that I want to keep my whole self to myself.  I don’t know that I want others’ to keep their whole selves just for them – I want their pieces too.  I don’t know that this side of heaven we get to truly be whole, and I think I’m okay with that.  I think I’m okay with the scattered.

I think I’m okay with not knowing, one way or the other, how truly whole or broken I really am.  Brokenness does not always mean falling apart.  And wholeness does not always mean one is put together.  Let’s just sit here and embrace all the pieces – wherever they may fall.

Stop.

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2 Comments leave one →
  1. August 5, 2011 12:25 pm

    Great thoughts, and I know what you mean. This feeling incomplete is what drives me to my bible. This feeling like I need more of Him is what drives me to find fullness in Him.
    I have often wondered if the anxiety left if I would be immune to my need for Him. Would I become like one of the Kings in Isaiah and turn to my things? Well played on 5 min friday 🙂

  2. August 5, 2011 2:01 pm

    Lauren – these Friday posts of yours never fail to make me think. Yes, we do leave pieces of ourselves in other people and places, and we shouldn’t wish it any different. Thank you for these thoughts. I’ll have to reflect more about why I want to be whole and what it means (if wholeness is even possible). Your writing is making me think (and I’m so grateful)!

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