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Can We Get a Babysitter?

September 24, 2011

I dragged myself out of bed this morning.  Somewhere in my foggy brain, an inner voice told me to make the coffee.  It told me to dump a load of laundry from our overflowing basket into the machine.  It told me to clean the bathroom whose cleaning date had long since expired.  The voice told me to vacuum, to wipe down the crumbs from the kitchen table, and to pull myself together long enough to make my house look like real people lived in it.  Mechanically, I obeyed the inner voice.  Mechanically, I wiped, swiped, swooped, and dragged until my home no longer looked like the abandoned shack it had been for the last few weeks.  Halfway through the day, I finally sat down to my own work.  I stared at my computer screen and cried.  Like a small child.

I cried because I saw a paper I had not started. I cried because I saw essays from teenagers that were awaiting my feedback.  I cried because I forgot to go to the library and pick up the books I needed.  I cried because the library is now closed.  And I cried because, in order to get to the library, I would need to drive my car.  And my car is not exactly making my life easy these days.  I cried because today, I don’t want to be a grown-up.

What I would really like today, is for someone to take care of me.  I would like someone to lay me down on the couch, wrap me up in a blankie, and tell me that they will take care of everything.  I would really like my old babysitter, Tracy, to be here.  I would like her to make me my food, to drive me to where I need to go, and  to talk to me in the soothing voice she used to use when she would put Little Me to bed at night.  I wish Tracy would walk through my door and wipe away my adulthood for the day.  I wish she would walk in and let me be a little girl again – scared and vulnerable and needy.

Do we ever get used to the setbacks of adulthood?  Do we ever fully feel comfortable with being our own sole provider?  When both my husband and I are kicking against the current, how do we pull each other along?  Could someone step in and make it all better?  Kiss the boo-boo and cover it with a band-aid for a little while?  Could someone else come over to take care of us?

Tracy, wherever you are right now, please know that you’re always welcome in our home.

It’s never too late to hire a babysitter.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. September 24, 2011 3:19 pm

    Days like this are so hard. It is certainly a transition being responsible for just you…and then someone else…and eventually more someones. But you get used to it. And then you get used to the fact that you won’t be able to get everything done. And then you find a way to juggle it all…prioritize. It does get easier. But you will still have days like today. Hard days. Where you feel like the world is crashing down around you and you’ll never be able to move fast enough to avoid it. The great thing is, there is always tomorrow. Just pick the most important things to do every day and do them first. The rest will fall into place when it becomes most important.

  2. September 24, 2011 3:51 pm

    Thank you, Katrina! I predict I will return to this comment several times this week to remind myself to take a breath and work through the hard days and remember what’s important. It seems we both had similar thoughts on our minds this week – thank you for stopping by and taking the time to speak truth and grace into my life.

  3. October 16, 2011 12:36 am

    Today was the first day in longer than I care to recall where I didn’t drag myself to the library. In fact, I barely left my apartment – I didn’t even go for a run. But after a day spent cleaning and fretting that my semester is in a tailspin and there is just no way I’m going to get through my work if I decide to blow it all off for a day, this post gave me solace. I’m not quite sure why, but thank you. Everyone has their downtrodden days and weeks, as well as their moments of impulsive immaturity. I guess it was just nice to be reminded that I’m not the only one who feels just like letting it all go and wishing someone would just swoop in and fix everything up. Thank you.

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