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Surprises are an act of Faith

August 24, 2012

My family threw me a surprise birthday party when I was 13. It was a disaster. An all out, tears in the bedroom, full throttle disaster. I was a mess because, according to my 13-year-old mind, the party had not gone as I’d envisioned it. Funny thing is, I couldn’t have told you how it should have gone. I couldn’t have told you what it was supposed to be like. All I remember thinking is that the way the surprise party went was simply not the way my 13th birthday party was supposed to go had I been able to plan it all myself.

Can we say control freak? I think so.

I’ve never been good at adaptability. I’ve never been good with the friend who shows up unannounced, the plans that change at the last minute, or the impromptu journey to try some chic new restaurant 45 minutes away. What can I say? I like control. I like to know my plans. I like to see the road ahead before I begin my steps.

And I’m sitting here with a baby growing inside of me.

Jokes. On. Me.

I’m sitting here with a baby I was told would never be possible, a baby we didn’t plan for, a baby whose presence created more initial fear and angst and confusion than he did excitement and joy.

My baby took my control.

My baby took my timeline.

My baby took my plans and careful thinking and sense of preparedness for what the future holds.

My baby took things from me.

But you know what? I’m so glad he did.

I didn’t know I was capable of letting go until I had to. I didn’t know there was room in my life to give a few things up. I didn’t know I would find freedom in the chaos that such a surprise brings. I didn’t know I had so much faith in my God to make everything all right.

Looking back on this 9 month and 1 week journey, there were ten thousand reasons to have been afraid. There were ten thousand reasons to have panicked and cried and been overwhelmed. There were ten thousand reasons to be confused and shaken and unsure. They were all valid. They were all real. But they were all temporary, and they were all replaced by reasons for joy.

I’ve got ten fingers and ten toes worth of a miracle inside of me.

I’ve got little kicks and rolls when Daddy speaks to my belly.

I’ve got cars and trucks and airplanes that spin on a mobile to lull a life to sleep.

I’ve got the sound of a steady heart beating.

I’ve got an entirely new closeness with the man who I love.

I’ve got promises and dreams and hopes for a future that is intricately intertwined with my own.

I’ve got new innocence and all new firsts and the ability to see the world through the wonder of a child.

I’ve got a baby.

I’ve got a family.

I know now that this little life was always meant to be. Some gifts God just can’t stand to hold back, and perhaps, like an anxious parent on Christmas morning, he wakes us up much earlier than expected so he can give them to us. I know now that in letting go I received more than I ever thought possible. I know now that there is room in my life for surprises.

I know now that love has no bounds.

I’m so excited to meet you, sweet baby boy. You are the best surprise we never knew was missing.

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8 Comments leave one →
  1. August 24, 2012 9:37 pm

    Oh. I am so excited for this baby to come – to meet his loving parents, to know this mom, this talented, thoughtful mom who is learning that control is only an illusion – complete and total. Take it from one recovering control freak to another – there ain’t much of it to be found anywhere. Any day now, right? Have someone else put a note out here when he’s safely here, while you’re nesting and getting used to one another. Cuz we want to know – but you need your rest!!

    • August 24, 2012 9:39 pm

      Thank you, Diana! I am learning more and more that we never have the control we think we have anyway. It is indeed an illusion. I’m tickled and honored to know you are waiting and praying with us all the way on the other side of the country. Only a few more weeks to go – we will definitely post an update when our little one is here.

  2. Franny permalink
    August 24, 2012 10:13 pm

    Why, oh why, did I give you that control gene?

    • August 24, 2012 10:24 pm

      Haha – so that I could learn to let go along the way ;-).

  3. Tiffany GW permalink
    August 24, 2012 10:15 pm

    My dear Chispa (don’t know why, but that name just came to me again),

    I am SO excited for you! Even from a distance (a quite sizable one) I have been encouraged by seeing everything that God is doing for you and your family! It’s fun to think back to high school and see how incredibly faithful the Lord has been in your life. Thank you so much for continuing to share your story. I hope to one day meet your growing family. That is to say, let me know if you’re ever in Southern California… or maybe one day we will overlap in Colorado again, who knows. 🙂

    • August 24, 2012 10:22 pm

      Thanks, Tiff! So good to hear from you and have you stop by my little writing space. God IS faithful – surprising and with a good sense of humor, but faithful indeed. Hope things are well for you!

  4. August 24, 2012 10:35 pm

    Oh Lauren, I’ve loved reading your thoughts and notes to your sweet boy and have related to so many of your posts prior to this one. But this just confirms, we are so, so, very much alike! Just wait to see how once he’s HERE you will have to let go of the control/expectations/planning even more than you are already learning. I’m praying for you and Daddy and baby and can’t WAIT to hear the good news that he is finally here! (P.S. Emmett was ‘the best surprise we never knew was missing’ too… just you wait to see how much better it gets!!)

  5. Cassie Siler permalink
    August 27, 2012 10:50 am

    Oh Lauren, you and all of your words are so wonderful. Thank you.

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