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On this Whole Waiting Business

September 16, 2012

I tail people who are driving too slow. It’s shameful, really, but I do it anyway. Those people who have the “thanks for the brake!” sticker on their cars – yeah, I inch closer to them. The old people who meander their way through the one-lane back roads on my way to work? Yeah, I’m the one screaming in the car behind them that they shouldn’t have their license if they’re too scared to drive the speed limit.

I admit, it’s shameful.

But Patience and I have never really had the best relationship. In fact, what was already an “I’ll maybe wave at you if I see you on the sidewalk and we make awkward eye contact” relationship between Patience and I became even more estranged when I moved out East. East coasters encouraged my further separation with Patience. Albeit, they practically forced me to sever all ties. And so, I have.

I tail people while driving.

I tap my foot in an obvious way when the Starbucks baristas take too long with my coffee.

I begin counting down to Christmas in October.

But I keep finding myself in situations where God continues to break me and break me until I get it through my head that my time is not my own. 

He breaks me until I realize I am living under the false concept of the tyranny of the urgent, and that, in fact, is not a good way to live.

And so I sit, 4 days past my due date, with a little baby boy still blissfully kicking away from inside my belly.

It’s true that I’m uncomfortable. It’s true that I don’t really sleep anymore. It’s true that I’d almost give anything, anything in this moment for a cold beer while watching the football games or a glass of the fine Italian wine that has been sitting in my wine rack since last December. It’s true that I’m more than ready to see the face of my little man, to know his features, and to hear his cries. It’s true that I’m at the end.

But it’s also true that I only get to do this once.

I will only have my first baby once.

Never again will it be just my husband and I scrambling around with baby books and a legal pad and an iPhone app to time the faintest little hint of contractions.

Never again will I be wondering in the quiet space of the evening if tomorrow I’ll be holding my first-born child.

Never again will I wait, straddling this delicate line of time and place, where I have two identities at once – that of just wife and also Mom; that of caring only for myself while preparing to give myself fully to someone else.

Never again will I sit alone, in my only child’s nursery, folding clothes that are too small for my fingers to fold anyway, humming nursery rhymes and telling him I love him.

Never again will I feel this little boy’s kicks when I do the “quack quack” sound while reading aloud to him from one of his new books.

Never again will I get these moments.

Never again will it just be this one miracle that I wait to bear witness.

Never again will it be “baby makes three.”

Never again will I get to experience, in a way never experienced before, that our souls truly can expand and grow on this side of heaven.

Never again will I wait to learn a whole new definition of love.

And so, I wait.

I wait and I don’t worry. I leave all anxiety behind.

I wouldn’t give this up for the world.

I wouldn’t trade this time for anything.

I’ll wait on this gift as long as he needs me to.

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3 Comments leave one →
  1. Franny permalink
    September 16, 2012 10:52 am

    I love this honey, because it’s so important to take in the moment and treasure it. But, let’s make it very clear, you got that lack of patience gene from your father and not me!

  2. September 16, 2012 11:12 am

    I ADORE your mom. But I fear I could not make the same claim to my kids. Both of their parents are impatient – and we still work on it, these many years after their births. Maybe you ought to read my birth story for our #1 child – it went up this week. (http://drgtjustwondering.blogspot.com/2012/09/an-african-journey-post-five-very-best.html) I waited 19 days for that little girl. And I was very far from home, etc., etc. But here’s the truth, sweetie, I don’t think you really need any help or advice at all. Your mindset is perfect and your babe will be here before you know it. Praying for you as I walk this week, (since retirement, walking is my primary prayer time) – that all will be well and in God’s perfect time.

  3. RebeccaV permalink
    November 28, 2012 1:06 pm

    Ah, I could have used this when I was waiting for our little one to arrive! When I went to the doctor on our due date and she said nothing had changed I went home and cried on the couch, canceled evening plans, and moped. Well done to you – thanks for the encouragement! Also, the tailgating thing? Me too. Still working on that.

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